Chapter 1

Say Goodbye

Sunday, October 2, 1994

           "On Saturday, we took our baby to her college in San Diego," I spoke bravely. "She's all settled into her dorm. It's going to be a wonderful experience for her." Across the wires, my mother couldn't see my splotchy, mascara stained cheeks. The tears made brown tracks running from my eyes. This was a not-so-unusual reaction for most parents sending their first-born child away from home for the first time. "She looked so excited and vulnerable when we left her," I added. That's when I cracked. I felt fresh tears spilling over the already red-rimmed eyes. This was by far the hardest and most painful thing I had ever done as a parent, aside from putting her on the school bus at age six.

            Looking back, having Amber away was a huge adjustment. In the mornings when I would pass by her empty bedroom, I felt empty, too. I shed an avalanche of tears that first few weeks she was gone. Each day that passed myt sadness came and went. I was disconsolate, but that had to be ok. Life happened so fast, one minute childhood, the next off to college to be an adult. I prayed every day for Amber and for the strength to let go of her with love. I missed her smile and her hugs so much. I remember thinking; I must be a good mother to feel so bad.

           Our younger daughter, Bridgett, was excited to finally be the "only" child living at home with us. At fifteen, she would get our full attention at last. But, I'm sure she wasn't counting on her mother being so moody. I reminded her this too would pass, but I knew I was hanging by a thread.

Monday, October 10, 1994

            Today, I take a deep breath. I had a pretty good day, but yesterday was an emotional one for me. Amber called and had an array of problems--seemingly unsurmountable. I felt so good being her rescuer, then I got off the phone and blamed God for not cutting her any slack I was replacing my sadness and built up anxieties with anger. Today, I made amends ot God and with his help, I can go on and as I said before, this too shall pass. I am beginning to accept the fact that she is gone, and that is a positive step, but I go back to sadness in the next moment.

            When she talks to me, I hear how tired she is and overwhelmed with her school work load, work study job at the football office, and juggling study time in between--of course time for fun is a concern for her as well. She has the world on her shoulders, but I keep reminging her to take pieces at a time. My heart goes out to her--new environment, new friends, new job, new teachers. It must really seem like a mountain for her. I wish I could help somehow. So, I baked her some cookies today and am preparing a care package for her. I want to help her feel at home somehow. I feel the tears coming again, and even though I've been doing OK so far today when I sit alone, in the quiet with no distractions, I realize underneath I'm still so sad.

October 12, 1994

Dear Mom,                                                                                                                                                    Hi mommy! I felt bad tonight after talking to you guys about not writing, so I hurried and finished my homework so I'd have some extra time to write you all letters. I'm sorry that I haven't done it sooner.

 I can believe that I get to go home in about 10 more days. That's nothing. I know it will go by fast. Iam so excited to be able to sleep in my own bed and be around my family who I've missed so much. I wish it could be for longer than a weekend, but I'll take what I can get. Besides being homesick every now and then, I really like my college. I think I made a good choice by coming here. I'm starting to make more girlfriends,too. I recently have become good friends with that girl Abby that I went out with for her birthday. She's super sweet! We have a lot of things in common and we both hand out with the same group of guys. Her roomate, Betty, is also really nice.

As far as a guy situation, there isn't one. Guys suck! Kurt claims he want to visit me this coming Saturday, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

How's school for you? Is math going good? I hope better than my math. (end of subject, I know it's a bad one.)

Well, I gotta go to bed. I miss you tons and can't wait to spend time with you really soon. I love,

Amberley

ps Give kitten a neck rub for me:)